The Truth About Launching Your Adult Child: An Interview with Tez Brooks

Q: Adult-o-Nomics shares insights and encouragement from high school and college students, parents, and your own experience as a youth pastor and father of four. What led you to write it?

A: I wrote it because I see so many young adults struggling with anxiety after moving out on their own. By asking around, I realized that anxiety comes from a lack of know-how. It’s so stressful to attempt something with little to no information. Google makes it so easy to avoid asking real people by just looking it up online. The trouble is that it alienates us, and it doesn’t give us everything we need. People don’t know what they need to learn. I thought it would be nice to have an easy-to-read gift book filled with on-liners of advice. Something you could pick up when you have a free minute, just to learn something new. Many don’t have time to invest in reading a complete “How-To” book, but 30 seconds of advice is easier to digest…bite-sized pieces. So I wrote it!

Q: Would you be willing to share a little bit about your observations from watching young people launch from home?

A: I have observed a lot of young adults boomerang back home after a few years because they underestimated the cost of living, or they forgot to plan for unexpected expenses. But we’ve all had stuff happen that caught us off guard, right? It’s impossible to anticipate everything. But parents who want to be a safety net to rescue their kids don’t really help. Helicopter parents cause their adult kids to lack confidence and become overly dependent upon them. I’m not saying parents shouldn’t help in times of need. I’m saying help by all means, but with clear expectations and specific end dates. One parent I know bought their daughter a security camera for her apartment so they could watch her sleep and wake her if she overslept for work. Ugh! Another dad insisted on talking to his son’s professor about his grades. It’s my hope this generation will find the peace that comes from total dependence on God and total independence from Mom and Dad. Anxiety doesn’t have to be the norm for those launching out for the first time. Adulting should be a rewarding right of passage, not a dread.

Q: Many young people think living on their own is going to be either really difficult or super easy. You had a difficult event that affected your launch. Can you share with us what your experience was as a young college student?

A: Soon after I graduated high school, my mom died unexpectedly after a minor surgery. I went off to college five states away with little to no experience living on my own. My mom prepared me a little bit before she died. I knew how to do laundry and clean a bathroom, but not much more. I experienced a lot of trial and error as I adapted to life away from home. When I returned home after that first semester, my dad had already remarried and started a new life that I was not a part of. My stepmom was not the nurturing type like Mom, and it was clear I needed to take care of myself. It wasn’t easy, but I made it. So I have an understanding of young adults trying to adapt to adulthood. It’s way harder for them now than it was for me. Anxiety doesn’t have to rule us, though. It’s my hope they will find comfort from some of the tips others have provided in this book.

Q: A lot of young adults end up boomeranging back home. What are your thoughts on that? Is it healthy? Should parents encourage this?

A: Parents should rarely encourage this. Sadly, many parents feel they are helping their child get a good start in life. Don’t get me wrong, if my kids are in a pinch and they need a roof over their heads to prevent them from couch surfing at all their friends’ homes, for sure, I would invite them to stay with us temporarily. But not to move back in indefinitely. Our adult kids need a clear “end date” to work toward. This promotes dependence on God, not the parents. The goal is to set them up for success. So, protecting them from financial hardships due to bad planning or irresponsible spending isn’t helping. The sooner they learn who their true Provider is, the better.

Q: Adult-o-Nomics is filled with practical advice on topics like romantic relationships, employment, car maintenance, housekeeping, what food to keep in your fridge, and even financial tips. But you also include physical, emotional, and spiritual advice? Why are these important?

A: In the end, our spiritual condition is all that matters. If we get that in line, all the other areas of our life will fall into place. But yes, I do address physical, emotional, and other aspects because these things are vital to our success. Let’s face it, if we know how to get hired but don’t know how to respond in a healthy way to criticism from our employer, we’re not going to have that job very long. Many of the tips in the book are connected and play off each other.

Q: It’s common for young adults to feel overwhelmed by their adulting. How is Adult-o-Nomics designed to bring meaningful change to their lives?
Know-how always alleviates stress, doesn’t it? It’s the unexpected that creates anxiety. Hopefully, the book helps young adults prepare for or at least be aware of some things ahead of time. Ultimately, this book isn’t the cure; the cure is not to be independent and self-reliant…. The goal is to lean completely on God in total dependence.

Q: You have four grown kids. How did they navigate the difficult season of launching out on
their own? Did any of them find it difficult?

A: We began training them early. When they turned 16 and got a job, we let them know they needed to learn the responsibility of paying a small token fee for room and board. We didn’t need it; it was more about teaching them to pay bills. When they moved out, each of them experienced difficult times now and then. But I’m proud of how they persevered in the face of adversity. They discovered different ways of adjusting their lifestyle rather than running back home at the first sign of trouble. Yes, some of them returned home as a last resort, but they always had a plan to be on their own again.

Q: Anxiety is a common issue for this generation. They deal with it more than other generations have. This causes some young adults to delay, avoid, or even abandon their launch. Do you have any advice?

A: Yes, there’s no need to avoid your launch when God is in your corner. If you have large financial debt and you’re delaying the launch temporarily, that makes sense. But if you are merely enjoying the lack of responsibility and piggybacking off your parents, I’d pray about how you might trust God more as your Provider.

But let me add (I may catch some flack for this): sons are more guilty of failing to launch than daughters. If you’re a daughter, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with living with your parents until you’re married. Even if you’re 30 years old! Your parents are your covering and protection until Mr. Right comes along and takes over that role of protector and provider. It’s not wrong to move out on your own, but it’s not bad either if you and your parents decide to wait until marriage to move out. Call me old-fashioned or sexist, but it’s often the sons who are more likely to need a nudge.

Q: What’s the most important thing a young adult needs to know before they move out? If you could pick one thing to tell them, what would it be?

A: I’ve said it before: learn total dependence on God. Seek his face. Be sold out to Him… all the rest will work itself out.

Q: Now speaking and coaching writers is just your side gig. You’re actually a full-time missionary. What kind of mission work do you do?

A: My wife and I have been serving together as missionaries for over 20 years. We use the Jesus Film to reach teachers and other influencers here and overseas. That’s our day job.

Q: What is your next book?

A: It’s a book based on the premarital counseling I have done. It’s called “Is Calling Us to Marry?: 100 Questions for the Well-Prepared Couple.”

Q: Where can we learn more about you and your books?

A: You can learn more about me and my books at tezbrooks.com, on Facebook, or on Twitter (tezd63).

If you missed last week’s blog, you can check it out here.