How to Avoid Anxiety When Moving Away From Your Parents
Here’s a sneak peek at Tez’s newest book (coming early 2024). It’s a gift book for young adult Christians who are just moving out on their own for the first time.
Welcome to independence! You’re probably about to (or recently have) launched out on your own. Feels good, doesn’t it? Survival guides are useful, so I hope you find this book (filled with 500 tips, techniques, and truths) a treasure of wisdom as you start your new life.
The thing about being an adult is that when you move out from Mom and Dad’s place, it’s suddenly your job to parent yourself. That’s the bummer of this season of your life. You now have to make yourself do the junk you don’t enjoy doing. You can wait and wait until you feel like executing these things—to start “adulting”—but that’s never going to come.
You see, for years your parents or guardians have made you do the things you don’t enjoy doing because you won’t ever do them. Not because you were an irresponsible little kid, and not because you were lazy, but because none of us ever like doing those things. That’s our human nature, whether kids and adults.
But, the sooner we understand that action equals attainment, then the sooner we realize the benefits of not being passive. It’s so easy to get what we want out of life, but we must force ourselves to do it.
I’m not pushing the New Spirituality message of godless self-sufficiency. There is no power that comes from within us. God’s Word is clear that we can do nothing without Christ (John 15:4-5). Total self-reliance is a rejection of and rebellion against God. What I’m talking about is facing the responsibility of adulthood with total dependence on God alone, for everything.
Although responsibility is uncomfortable at first, it helps us become everything God designed us to be. Discipline leads to delight!
But while launching out on your own can be exciting, affirming, and rewarding, even good change is stressful. Becoming an independent adult is hard. Over fifty percent of all young adults move back home in the first five years.[1] Often, this is caused from lack of confidence amidst adversity.
Anxiety is the number one health problem for women and it is number two for men, after alcohol/drug abuse. The stressor that usually causes this is change. Anxiety is sometimes unavoidable. Don’t feel ashamed; even Jesus battled anxiety the night before his crucifixion (Matt. 26:36-44).
Young adult Christians can feel especially guilty about anxiety because of its stigma. Other believers can make you feel like it’s wrong to experience worry. But it’s merely an emotion, not a sin. It is only sinful when it stems from unbelief that God is good and in control.
Being a slave to concern and worry is optional. Philippians 4:4-9 reminds us that our most valuable strategy against fear is to pray, then meditate on and rejoice with grateful hearts over the good things God provides.
Perhaps you’ve found other people cause you undue anxiety. Fretting is contagious, and honestly, helicopter parents don’t help. In the grip of their own anxiety, Mom and Dad may sympathetically offer to cushion you to “set you up for success.” While that’s a sweet motive, it may cause you to second-guess your ability to embrace autonomy. But you know there’s nothing more rewarding than making it on your own.
However, the goal you want to accomplish is independence from your parents yet total dependence on God. Chances are you’ve not had to experience total dependence on God yet because of your partial reliance on your parents to provide things.
Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying; if your parents are still helping you somehow, that’s not a sign of failure for you. Parents love their kids and often want to give them a “leg up” for a good head start in life, not to control you or be a helicopter parent. Often, it’s because they enjoy loving on you in that way. It will be your goal (not theirs) to work toward eliminating this so you can fully depend on the Lord for everything. There are plenty of other ways your parents can love on you besides providing for you. That is God’s role, and he will do a much better job of it.
Diminishing Anxiety
We all know anxiety levels would diminish if we had more preventive counsel—information obtained before a crisis hits. But Mom and Dad, pastors, professors, employers, and mentors can’t teach you everything. So, within this book is experience and know-how collected from those who have been there, people of all different ages and walks of life.
Much of the entries come from my own experience and observations. I moved out of my parent’s home at 18 years old and moved 1,200 miles away. I didn’t have much help or preparation from Mom and Dad, so I had to learn many survival skills through trial and error. To add to this, my mom died that year so I didn’t have a mother to call and ask questions. This is why I have a heart for young people trying to launch with little to no preparation.
Additionally, my years as a youth pastor gave me the opportunity to see the struggles of young Christians learning to navigate life as an adult. As a dad, I’ve seen my own four kids start life without Mom and me hovering. Sometimes I winced, but most times I was so proud of how my children faced life head-on. I often had to twist their arm to get them to ask for help. Honestly, that frustrated me even though I was impressed with their fortitude to survive without me. It was humbling because a part of me wanted to still feel needed.
I pray this mix of ancient wisdom (adapted from God’s Word) and modern advice (from those who’ve walked the journey) will place you ahead of the curve as you increase in know-how and understanding for effective adulting.
These suggestions for living life are not grouped in any particular order. They are randomly mixed so that you can experience help in various topics that differ each day. Because that’s how life comes at you. With all its problems, lessons, and solutions, life happens, not outlined like a well-planned how-to article, but fast and indiscriminate.
Hopefully, by trusting in God’s goodness, combined with reading this book, you can take your everyday life (sleeping, eating, working, etc.) and feel better equipped. Your Heavenly Father will bring out the best in you, developing you into a well-formed, mature adult who is dependent on him alone. May God bless and keep you and cause his face to shine upon you, and give you peace (Num. 6:24-26).
[1] Ramirez, Danna. “How to Parent Young Adults Who Move Back Home.” Psychology Today. March 12, 2021. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-matters-menninger/202103/how-parent-young-adults-who-move-back-home
- Taking college courses in high school means your degree is obtained much sooner. Financially, dual-enrollment is a no-brainer.
- “Remember that there is an enemy and he’s going to use whatever method he can to try to divide us..” — Steven Curtis Chapman, singer/songwriter
- Not getting what you want can be a blessing from the Lord.
- Try something fun. Go into an antique store and ask, “What’s new?”
- Trying to be one of the guys doesn’t look good on a lady. (See Prov. 11:22)
- The Lord gives and he takes away. Hold everything with an open hand: your job, money, possessions, and relationships.
- Guys, making your bed, scrubbing soap scum off the tub, keeping the sink hair-free, these are all signs of a responsible man. Girls love it.
- Be careful not to call something an “addiction” if it’s actually a besetting sin. This is victim mentality.
- Open a bank account and learn how to write a check; not everyone accepts debit cards.
- Guys, be the pursuer when it comes to romantic relationships. If a girl is chasing after you, it’s time to man up.
- Dress like an adult and people will treat you like one.
- Save thousands of dollars, floss your teeth.
- Never allow friends or family to sit in with you during a job interview.
- Get close to the godly and wise. Watch them, imitate them. (See Prov. 13:20)
- Sit up straight. Good posture mirrors success.
- Chew with your mouth closed and talk with it open.
- Explore a museum. Go to a parade. Watch the sunrise. Jump in a pool fully clothed.
- That sexy tan you work on each summer turns into skin cancer and scars when you’re forty. Use sunscreen.
- Fighting a traffic citation is risky. If the cop shows up to court, you will more than likely lose your case and end up paying all court costs.
- Go to church faithfully. Let nothing distract you from being there each week.
- According to James 4:4, tight friendship with the world and its values means you are choosing to be God’s enemy.
- Keeping an open mind all the time, means others can easily throw trash into it.
- Where does your mind go when you’re idle? Whatever you are passionate about is what you’ll always talk or think about. How often do you talk about God?
- Never argue with a police officer. They risk their lives to keep you safe; respect them, be polite, and comply. You can file a complaint later, it necessary.
- Sex outside of marriage includes much more than intercourse. Living close to the edge is a compromise in the name of technicalities. God commands us to save our bodies for our spouse alone.
- Plan your future. Never let the river of life carry you wherever it goes. You’ll drown in the waters of disappointment.
- Ask your parents about their jobs, hobbies, and spiritual lives. You may think you know all about them; you don’t.
- Running your TV or radio all night does not help you sleep. The voices, music, and commercials pull you out of deep, restorative REM cycles, leaving you exhausted when you wake. Use a sound machine or white noise.
- Overconfidence comes as a result of insecurities; it’s a mask to hide fears.
- Ask God for wisdom. Some decisions made now will impact the rest of your life.
- “When you and the Bible disagree, who wins?” — Michael Petillo, pastor[2]
- If you’re living in your parents’ house, what’s your plan? You need one, whether or not your parents care.
- Know that you might actually have better conversations with your parents when you move and don’t see each other every day.
- Never relabel gossip as a prayer request.
- If your mom and dad are helicopter parents, teach them not to hover by showing them you and God can handle anything together.
- Mom or Dad should never talk to your professor or boss for you. You are an adult—handle your own business.
- A healthy respect for God is the beginning of wise knowledge; but fools despise advice. (See Prov. 1:7)
- Join a small group at your church. There’s only so much fellowship that can happen for fifteen minutes in a church lobby.
- “Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.” — Billy Graham[3]
- The best thing you can do for yourself is to serve others.
- Guard your mind against the temptations of premature trustworthiness. The world convinces young adults they can responsibly drink alcohol, use credit cards, vote, sign contracts, and join the military. Know your maturity level; operate within it.
- Be grateful and rejoice in all things. (See Phil. 4:4)
- A fresh coat of paint is cheaper than redecorating. But don’t paint the trim after drinking Red Bull®.
- Get the electricity and water in your new place turned on the day before you move in.
- Lift up and clean the bottom side of the toilet seat weekly. Enough said.
- If your circuits keep blowing out, hairdryers and Christmas lights are two of the worst culprits.
- Never confuse abuse with love. This can be difficult if you’ve already been abused by a loved one.
- Understand the whole world could end up seeing that seductive selfie you texted—even Grandma and your pastor.
- Scripture says never let yourself get drunk. Learn your limit; stop before the buzz starts.
- Girls, be firm and clear with a guy when you need him to leave you alone. Beating around the bush makes them think there’s still hope.
We hope you enjoyed this sampling from the first pages of the book. To get updates on the progress please sign up for Tez’s quarterly emails if you haven’t already.
[1] Steven Curtis Chapman. “Steven Curtis Chapman Reveals God’s Message to Him During Pandemic; Teams Up with Brad Paisley” The Christian Post. May 14, 2020
[2] Michael Petillo. “Sex and Stewardship” Springs Church, Colorado Springs. Jan 22, 2023. https://vimeo.com/showcase/7510619/video/792281663.
[3] Debbie McDaniel. “40 Courageous Quotes from Billy Graham.” Crosswalk.com. July 2, 2015.
